I Didn't Intend

I really don't intend for this to be a chronicle about my B but well, he weighs on me heavily. I cannot get that fateful day out of my head. I cannot stop thinking about losing him. I have always worried about him but with his CML, I worry about him more.

He's off to NYC tomorrow to join his GF who is travelling there for school, Texas Tech Law School that is. She is my future attorney and I love her. So, what will I be doing? Worrying but extremely happy that he is happy and in NYC, a city he has longed to visit since he loves A-Rod and Jay-Z. (Hm, what is up with the letter nicknames?)

He is my pride and joy and damnit if I don't love him so.


As for my diabetes, all is ok. I gained a few pounds but don't feel any heavier if that makes sense. I don't need to go to the doctor til January but I should lose some poundage so I make make the endo proud. :)

All About B

So, Kareem Abdul-Jabbar has CML. That's Chronic Myelogenous (Myeloid) Leukemia. My brother has that. My beloved brother, pretty much my most favorite person has that. February 12 is when he was diagnosed and it was the worst day of my life. Granted, we all thought it was that leukemia but, thankfully, it's CML.

He is doing great. He regained the 20 lbs. he lost before the diagnosis and is going doing superb. Thank God for insurance cause yea, without it, his 1-pill a day treatment would cost $4,000 a month.

He will have it forever unless he decides to get a bone marrow transplant (from me) and while it saddens me a great deal to know that the brother I love and have loved since he was born (30 years ago this past Sunday) has this, I am happy he is here. For a split second, back in February, I envisioned an alternate future that didn't include him. I didn't like that future. I like mine to include him because he rocks. I have an older brother but he's a douche, ok? Douche. But, my little B, he is the best. BEST I tell ya.

One of the things I told him when he was hospitalized was, "Always gotta 1-up me, eh?" since I was diagnosed as a diabetic the April prior to his CML diagnosis. We laughed.

My little B, how I love thee.

I'm working on it. Trust.

Carpal Tunnel

The diagnosis is carpal tunnel which isn't too bad for the majority of the population since most of them have it but it be bad for Margie and her diabetes. So, I get to get an ergonomic keyboard and take it easy on the cleaning and shit as well as walk with my hands down. These are all tips from my doc. Honestly, not too worried about it but I will try. Everything went ok though.

As for the cancelled CT scan, I haven't had any pain in my side so hopefully the supposed diverticulitis, what my GP suspects I have/had, is gone. I hope so. One of the meds I am taking, one I took early last year, stained my teeth brown and it freaked me out that I had to visit my dentist and get them cleaned. It was him who told me about the med and its side effects which were NOT listed on the little pamphlet they give you at the pharmacy. I read that shit thoroughly and WTF??!?!!!!!!! So, I felt like Kramer, "Look away! I'm hideous!"

Blah.

Ok, let me be positive cause I detect a little negative trend here. I feel good, honestly. I'm 33, just celebrated on nine-two-seventy-six (a phrase I say a lot since I have to get me my meds and visit my doctors) yet I feel 25-28. I feel good, I sleep at a reasonable hour which sucks cause I wish I could hold it together and watch ALL of Monday Night Football, I try and eat well and dangit, I think it's paying off. It still sucks because of the sacrifices I am making especially with all the ice cream not the light stuff, etc. But, but, but, I know it will pay off when I am 60, 70, 80 and still have functioning kidneys, liver, pancreas, eyes as well as feeling in my legs and arms. Yea, check it!

Cancelled

I cancelled my CT scan for tomorrow. I would much rather try the meds than have that done...for now. If the meds don't help then I will do the scan but I just don't want to. Ugh. I'll keep the EMG test but not that other one. I'm just tired and there is a chance I will have to come in on Saturday and I really don't want to even though OT is always nice and damnit if I just want to sleep in a little and perhaps finally start watching The Office from February and on. I stopped watching them because I was always with B and he was sick and damnit if I just wanted to be with him. He was in the MFing hospital, I had to. It's B.

So, yea, I'm not myself today. I had a rough night and all these tests and health and shit just defeat me. All good grammar and all that shit goes out the window too so blah on making good sentences and making my English teachers proud.

We're supposed to have cake tomorrow here at work for September birthdays and that includes me. There are about 7 people with September birthdays and honestly, as a diabetic, I'm certain there won't be shit for me to really consume. I mean, I can eat anything I want but in moderation but who can only have a tiny almost see-through sliver of cake? Nothing would be better than that but that is just my opinion.

Why tempt fate?

A Wh-what?

MFing, SOB! Guess what I'm having done this Friday? A CT scan. I've never had one and no, I'm not looking forward to it. Seriously, WTF? The pain on my right side may indicate diverticulitis according to my GP. How awesome.

Sigh.

Ok, so it makes me a little sad and I cannot muster up sarcasm or wittiness or whatever for the remainder of this post.

EMG first and then a CT. Blah.

Some soup and my catpire may be just what I need tonight. The BNC usually leaves for his band practice and while not on Wednesdays, he is for now bc of a new drummer and some upcoming shows and ouch, my side is hurting a little and ok, it's gone.

Sigh.

Some and None

So, back to my diabetes. I don't have to do the cardiopulmonary test as well as the CGM (continuous glucose monitoring) where I get a little facehugger a la Alien in my side for 3 MFing days. Yea me. I just get to do the EMG to check my neuropathy and if the diabetes has affected it.

I just got back from my GP where I involuntarily donated several tubes of blood as get orders to have an ultrasound to find out what this pain in my side is all about. Yea me!

I wish I were home cause that blood withdrawal just about defeated me today. I hate that part and I was unprepared for it whereas all the other times I'm ready. So naturally I yelped and squirmed and prayed for a quick end.

I spoke to B a while ago and he's up in the air about getting the swine flu shot as he has chronic leukemia. My little B. I've been thinking about it as well as both of our diseases are chronic and those are part of this whole get-the-shot thing. He's going to talk to him oncologist about it and see if we should get it. I failed to ask my GP earlier.

What a crappy day. Add some nasty rain and ugh. But, at least it's the first day of fall and a cold front is passing the city and yea for blankies (maybe) and some opened windows so I can air out the cats.

I will try to keep up with this blog, mmmkay?