...and I have a voicemail on my phone from Thursday that I have yet to hear because I don't want to get angry again. She called again on Friday and I didn't answer. I said, "She can wait like she made me wait. I'm on vacation and I don't want to hash it out here."
So there it stays until I can muster up the energy to hear what my mom has to tell me.
My brother says he had a talk with her. She told him that I am too busy for her. It made me so angry because that is simply no reason to snub me in the fashion she did.
On my way back home on Sunday, I spoke to the BNC about it. He said to not be ugly to my mom but I had to tell her yet again what hurts me, what I don't want to be a part of, etc. Unfortunately, we have this, amongst many others, similarity. So, I will but I just am procrastinating that phone call especially listening to that voicemail. And, I don't want to call my brother, who I hate talking to about when it comes to our mom, and draw some strength in dealing with all this.
Moms, te digo. (I tell ya.)
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Blah It All
Forgive my lousy grammar and sentence structure but dude, I am so getting out of here early so I can go home and nap.
/disclaimer
Been really busy. Working and working and such even working on a MFing Saturday. I guess that isn't so bad especially since it's OT and with the BNC working on Saturdays well, might as well come in.
Heading out tomorrow after work upstate to Atlanta, Texas to visit with my SS (soul sister) and the kids. Mom still not talking to me and my B and my dad are ok with this seeing as how my mom is being like this and that. Besides, the HEB gives us a free turkey and I will possibly make on some Sunday and invite them over for turkey and football.
I know that I am a good daughter, sister, etc. so why this woman does this to me, having done absolutely nothing wrong, is BEYOND me. My dad even told me that he had a conversation with her about this and she told him that she tried calling her and that I don't return her calls. LIAR!!!
I never, ever, ever thought this is how things would be between my mom and I but they are. What is the cause of all this? Her son.
Oh well.
/disclaimer
Been really busy. Working and working and such even working on a MFing Saturday. I guess that isn't so bad especially since it's OT and with the BNC working on Saturdays well, might as well come in.
Heading out tomorrow after work upstate to Atlanta, Texas to visit with my SS (soul sister) and the kids. Mom still not talking to me and my B and my dad are ok with this seeing as how my mom is being like this and that. Besides, the HEB gives us a free turkey and I will possibly make on some Sunday and invite them over for turkey and football.
I know that I am a good daughter, sister, etc. so why this woman does this to me, having done absolutely nothing wrong, is BEYOND me. My dad even told me that he had a conversation with her about this and she told him that she tried calling her and that I don't return her calls. LIAR!!!
I never, ever, ever thought this is how things would be between my mom and I but they are. What is the cause of all this? Her son.
Oh well.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Sad
My heart is sad. I guess this is what happens when your mom snubs you for dumb shit. At least it makes forgoing Thanksgiving here and just heading upstate to be with other family.
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Leukemia
It's been a frustrating day for me today. All I'm trying to do is work and either a computer is taking forever to load up or someone is calling me or emails galore over the dumbest of shit and fuck.
But, then I stumble upon http://www.freeanissa.com/ and how she suffered a stroke, again, and that makes me incredibly sad. But, then I read about how she went through, and still is, her toddler getting leukemia (ALL) and that just reminds me of B. Her emotion filled post on how things were leading up to the diagnosis and how she handled things after The Phone Call mirrors my feelings. In my case, my B called me to tell me the news himself. Just recently we made him go to the doctor as he kept feeling lousy. He was sick, always cold, losing weight, exhausted, achy, weak stomach for strong smells, couldn't keep anything down-all of these were precursors to leukemia. That ugly day in February of this year, my mom called to tell me that she had been trying to get a hold of B so he could pick up his laundry. (Yes, he is a momma's boy.) I finally called him and left him a voicemail. He returned my call as I was clearing out the groceries from my car. He stumbled over his words. He said he needed to tell me something. And then, the tears came. He couldn't say it. What, what is it I asked? Leukemia, I have leukemia. Wait, what? What did you just say? Where are you? It's going to be ok. Of course I'm going to see you. Where are you? It'll be ok. I'll be there soon. Don't worry; it's going to be ok. We are soooooo going beat this. You watch. (My hands were trembling all this time.) I'll see you in a bit.
/end call
I was silent for about 10 seconds as my brain tried to adjust to what just happened. My hands, they were shaking uncontrollably and my heart was pounding. Then I screamed. I screamed so loudly, cried just as loud and fell to the ground. I covered my eyes with my hands and sobbed and begged God to help me, to help my beloved. I then, selfishly, begged him not to take my B. Not my B, please Lord, don't take my B. The cats surrounded me and tried to find out what was wrong. I walked the downstairs of my house pacing and wondering what the fuck is going on. What am I going to do? In an instant, a future flashed before my eyes, a future that didn't include B. It was dark and involved me being lost. A funeral (gulp) scene came up, my parents falling apart, everything was different. In the same instant, it was gone. I cried for about 10 minutes before I got my bearings to get dressed and call the BNC. He wasn't answering. Shit, fuck, fuck. I called my BFF. Still panicking, I told her and begged her to tell God to not take B from me. I raced upstairs and the BNC called. In hysterics I managed to tell him what was going on and where I was headed. B texted me for a phone charger and off I was trying to get my cool so B wouldn't see me cry. I had to get my shit together and not let him see me fall apart. I had to piece myself back together and haul ass to the hospital. Everything raced through my head, my heart. The BNC got there before me and to this day I wonder how things would have been if I got there first. I didn't cry and B didn't either but, his face, his face was full of worry. I'm sure my face had the same look. I hugged him and told him to catch me up on everything. Turns out, he had known this was going on for a few days. His test results came back from what we all thought was the flu that revealed leukemia. He went back to the doctor who referred him to an oncologist. Once there, he was immediately admitted. My talk with him keeping things from me would surface a few days later. I don't blame him for trying to handle this on his own so as to not worry us all but for him to think this would go away if he laid low for a week or two was just crazy.
We talked about how things were going to be and how we were going to tell mom and dad. He didn't want to tell them and he couldn't leave to tell them personally so I volunteered to tell them that night. Let me tell you, this was one of the hardest things I had ever done. My dad, our dad, stunned. Stunned and then guilt. He actually asked if it was something he had done and my heart, it broke. My mom was a different story. She screamed and called me a liar and begged me take it back and then went catatonic for a while. It is these images that haunt me. To tell your parents that their youngest born, the one who wasn't supposed to be has cancer of the blood is hard. To take them to the hospital and see them lean on each other and look at B with pain is hard.
I don't know how I managed that day or every day I was with B in the hospital which was every day he was hospitalized. I don't know how I managed to leave him in the evening every day telling him I loved him, how I missed him when I got home, how little I slept while this was going on. I don't know how I did that but I did. I survived witnessing my brother have a port installed his chest, get blood transfusions as well as 1 dose of chemo before the nurses frantically rushed in to remove it all per doctor's orders as my brother had chronic leukemia, the most treatable form out there all while our whole extended family waited outside to see 1 of it most beloved members of my crazy family sick. 1 simple pill, to be taken daily would be the treatment. 1 pill; A pill that costs $4,000 for a month supply ($70 with insurance) would be it. B was hospitalized for 6 days. He would return to his life with no complications except his annoying sister who called him every day to make sure he was ok.
He regained the 20 lbs. he lost before his diagnosis and he still gets me. He gets my worry, my humor and well, me. So, other than leukemia being something he will have for the rest of his lift, all is well and for that I get down on my knees every night and thank God for letting me have my B.
But, then I stumble upon http://www.freeanissa.com/ and how she suffered a stroke, again, and that makes me incredibly sad. But, then I read about how she went through, and still is, her toddler getting leukemia (ALL) and that just reminds me of B. Her emotion filled post on how things were leading up to the diagnosis and how she handled things after The Phone Call mirrors my feelings. In my case, my B called me to tell me the news himself. Just recently we made him go to the doctor as he kept feeling lousy. He was sick, always cold, losing weight, exhausted, achy, weak stomach for strong smells, couldn't keep anything down-all of these were precursors to leukemia. That ugly day in February of this year, my mom called to tell me that she had been trying to get a hold of B so he could pick up his laundry. (Yes, he is a momma's boy.) I finally called him and left him a voicemail. He returned my call as I was clearing out the groceries from my car. He stumbled over his words. He said he needed to tell me something. And then, the tears came. He couldn't say it. What, what is it I asked? Leukemia, I have leukemia. Wait, what? What did you just say? Where are you? It's going to be ok. Of course I'm going to see you. Where are you? It'll be ok. I'll be there soon. Don't worry; it's going to be ok. We are soooooo going beat this. You watch. (My hands were trembling all this time.) I'll see you in a bit.
/end call
I was silent for about 10 seconds as my brain tried to adjust to what just happened. My hands, they were shaking uncontrollably and my heart was pounding. Then I screamed. I screamed so loudly, cried just as loud and fell to the ground. I covered my eyes with my hands and sobbed and begged God to help me, to help my beloved. I then, selfishly, begged him not to take my B. Not my B, please Lord, don't take my B. The cats surrounded me and tried to find out what was wrong. I walked the downstairs of my house pacing and wondering what the fuck is going on. What am I going to do? In an instant, a future flashed before my eyes, a future that didn't include B. It was dark and involved me being lost. A funeral (gulp) scene came up, my parents falling apart, everything was different. In the same instant, it was gone. I cried for about 10 minutes before I got my bearings to get dressed and call the BNC. He wasn't answering. Shit, fuck, fuck. I called my BFF. Still panicking, I told her and begged her to tell God to not take B from me. I raced upstairs and the BNC called. In hysterics I managed to tell him what was going on and where I was headed. B texted me for a phone charger and off I was trying to get my cool so B wouldn't see me cry. I had to get my shit together and not let him see me fall apart. I had to piece myself back together and haul ass to the hospital. Everything raced through my head, my heart. The BNC got there before me and to this day I wonder how things would have been if I got there first. I didn't cry and B didn't either but, his face, his face was full of worry. I'm sure my face had the same look. I hugged him and told him to catch me up on everything. Turns out, he had known this was going on for a few days. His test results came back from what we all thought was the flu that revealed leukemia. He went back to the doctor who referred him to an oncologist. Once there, he was immediately admitted. My talk with him keeping things from me would surface a few days later. I don't blame him for trying to handle this on his own so as to not worry us all but for him to think this would go away if he laid low for a week or two was just crazy.
We talked about how things were going to be and how we were going to tell mom and dad. He didn't want to tell them and he couldn't leave to tell them personally so I volunteered to tell them that night. Let me tell you, this was one of the hardest things I had ever done. My dad, our dad, stunned. Stunned and then guilt. He actually asked if it was something he had done and my heart, it broke. My mom was a different story. She screamed and called me a liar and begged me take it back and then went catatonic for a while. It is these images that haunt me. To tell your parents that their youngest born, the one who wasn't supposed to be has cancer of the blood is hard. To take them to the hospital and see them lean on each other and look at B with pain is hard.
I don't know how I managed that day or every day I was with B in the hospital which was every day he was hospitalized. I don't know how I managed to leave him in the evening every day telling him I loved him, how I missed him when I got home, how little I slept while this was going on. I don't know how I did that but I did. I survived witnessing my brother have a port installed his chest, get blood transfusions as well as 1 dose of chemo before the nurses frantically rushed in to remove it all per doctor's orders as my brother had chronic leukemia, the most treatable form out there all while our whole extended family waited outside to see 1 of it most beloved members of my crazy family sick. 1 simple pill, to be taken daily would be the treatment. 1 pill; A pill that costs $4,000 for a month supply ($70 with insurance) would be it. B was hospitalized for 6 days. He would return to his life with no complications except his annoying sister who called him every day to make sure he was ok.
He regained the 20 lbs. he lost before his diagnosis and he still gets me. He gets my worry, my humor and well, me. So, other than leukemia being something he will have for the rest of his lift, all is well and for that I get down on my knees every night and thank God for letting me have my B.
I don't know why things are they way they are. They just are. I don't blame God whatsoever for what transpired but I thank him every day that they did. I love my brother. I don't think a sister could love her brother any more than I do. That day in November in 1979, the day he was born, was the day the heavens opened up for me. He is my pride and joy and damnit if I would be lost without him. As much as I love the BNC, my brother is the only guarantee I have in life. My BFF, my world.
And now, Anissa and her family are hurting and all I can think about is B and how he has made me more of a softy.
Leukemia is an ugly word and when you pair it with one of your most favorite people, it becomes even uglier. But some good insurance, prayer, God and strength, you will get through it.
Friday, November 13, 2009
Adjusting
I'm adjusting to this damn ergonomic keyboard and the silence from my mom. I look forward to her phone call where she pretends like everything had been fine so I can tell her it hasn't and what she does is so incredibly wrong and hurtful. I know. Looking forward to telling your mom that she is wrong is not a good thing but dude, wtf?
Thanksgiving
I'll be heading upstate with my Soul Sister for Thanksgiving. Soul Sister is my BNC's cousin and well, my Soul Sister since I am a sisterless person. Traveling upstate is going to save me the headache of trying to be nice and tell my mother that her son, my older brother, is not welcome in my house. However, seeing as how my mom is not talking to me right now for whatever reason, it just makes missing Thanksgiving for the first time in YEARS not so bad. The only other time we skipped Thanksgiving was when little B was hospitalized. (Funny, I just now realized that and now, coupled with CML, how much he has endured.) He was hospitalized for some days as he had heart surgery to separate some nerves fused together causing his heart to beat at an alarming rate. You could literally (a term I don't use too frequently) see his chest move. 200+ beats per minute. Scary stuff especially considering he was only 12 years old at the time. We postponed our dinner because he was still hospitalized. He had to go back to the hospital as they missed other nerves. It was heartbreaking to see him laying there. He had yet to hit his growth spurt and hadn't surpassed me yet. Now this, this alone is what makes me want to stay here and endure all those hours of cooking-for my B. We've always been together for Thanksgiving and unless he joins me upstate then we will be apart. It's killing me inside because he is the number 1 thing I am thankful for this year and I want to be with him and be thankful and thank God that he is here with me being my BFF, my brother, my confidante, my most trusted, my world. Last year, after dinner, he went upstairs to my bedroom to take a 4-hour nap. Now that is a compliment. Of course, in hindsight, 2 months later he would be diagnosed so perhaps it was a precursor to it all.
So, this is my dilemma and while I know B would tell me to not stress over such things, I still am a little heartbroken about it all.
So, this is my dilemma and while I know B would tell me to not stress over such things, I still am a little heartbroken about it all.
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